


she shows me everything she used to know

by ivylynn



Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 00:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17694128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivylynn/pseuds/ivylynn
Summary: Regina doesn't hesitate to say, "I love you," back. Janis notes how there's no regret in her voice that she can hear, and lets out a breath of relief. Maybe it's not a bad step, then, getting back to what they had for years.





	she shows me everything she used to know

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whiteknightswan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiteknightswan/gifts).



> this was supposed to be a birthday gift in late november, but various mental health problems have stopped me from really interacting with people and writing. it's not an excuse, but the fic is here now, and i wish it would've been there in november. i had everything written then, but now it's a bit revised and much shorter than i had anticipated.

There's not a lot of things that start in the winter. Typically, it's when nature dies, everything's covered in snow and Regina hates the weather.

 

Wet doesn't bode well with designer shoes and ice most certainly doesn't get along with Regina's footsteps.

 

\--

 

[ A girl approaches Regina in the park; she's been there a while and Regina's noticed her, but this is the first time they talk.

 

"Why are you just sitting there?" The girl asks, and Regina tries to imagine her without her beanie. It's what she does with new people, trying to see every aspect of their looks before getting to know them. Looks are important.

 

"I don't like the snow," Regina replies easily, as if it's the most logical thing in the world. The girl looks at her weirdly, the kind of look that Regina takes as an insult, but then she speaks too soon, before she can protest.

 

"I'm Janis," she says, extending a hand and Regina takes it with little hesitation. "What's your name?"

 

"Regina." ]

 

\--

 

Her new position begins in the middle of January; same firm, but now she's a senior associate. And while she'd normally be in her car, getting to the office, the insurance company can't get her a replacement car until next week while hers is at the shop.

 

Naturally, she's in the subway. It's crowded, and the floor of it is disgusting, so she tries not to focus on it to much. But then not focusing on the floor leads to looking around at the people in there and she doesn't know what's worse.

 

Until her eyes land on Janis, entering at the station and heading straight to her. Despite her efforts to avoid it, Janis sees her. Honestly, Regina would rather be focusing on the dirty floor than having to go through small talk that's imminent.

 

"Oh," Janis first says when she sees her, stopping in her tracks in front of one of the only open seats across from Regina. "Hey."

 

Regina watches her as she contemplates whether she should sit down or not, and rolls her eyes. "Sitting down won't kill you," she says instead of a greeting. There's a lot of bad blood between them that they've not talked about for obvious reasons, but still; Regina regrets what she says immediately.

 

"I guess you're right," Janis nods, taking a seat and placing her backpack in her lap. "So," she starts, "how have you been?"

 

There are a lot of comebacks Regina's only thought about for six months. She doesn't say any of them. "Pretty good," she nods, taking back whatever else she could've said. She's learned self-control throughout the years, perhaps because of the nature of her job or just because that's a normal part of growing up. "You?"

 

"Good, good," Janis replies. Regina detests how it seems to flow out of her so easily, as if she's not even struggling. "How's the job?"

 

For a moment, Regina considers just shrugging her shoulders -- then the urge to brag convinces her otherwise. "I've just made partner, so it's amazing." When she looks at Janis, she doesn't see a hint of surprise. She knows her, would know if she is trying to hide it, but she doesn't seem to be.  "Are you still at the university?"

 

Janis nods briefly before responding. "Yeah, I'm still a lecturer. It's great."

 

Regina doesn't fail to notice the shift in tone, but she doesn't think it's because of Janis' reply. She's loved being a lecturer before, there's no reason for that to have changed. The awkward silence between them only lasts until Regina hears the name of her stop being called. "Well, that's me," she says, relieved as she stands up and goes to leave.

 

"We should get coffee sometime," Janis says before Regina's out of earshot. "If you want."

 

Regina could pretend she doesn't hear it, leave and not look back.

 

She doesn't. "Yeah, I'd like that."

 

\--

 

The rest of her day should be the best of her life; instead, she spends it half-working and half-thinking about Janis and that dumb remark that they should get coffee. Should they?

 

Regina decides that she's too tired at the end of the day to contemplate it, and turns on Netflix to watch whatever is suggested to her instead. Her phone buzzes and she ignores it purposely, until it starts ringing and she has to make the effort to take it in her hand.

 

Cady's picture lights up when she does, and though Regina sighs, she takes the phone call. "What?"

 

"Regina," Cady says, "Always great at answering your phone." It's the teasing that she's used to from Cady, but she can't really take that right now. Not when she's too distracted by other things in her life. But Cady doesn't know that.

 

Nor does she need to. "I'm exhausted. Is there something you need?"

 

"Yeah, uh," Cady stammers, uncomfortably as always. "Aaron and I were just looking through seating arrangements for our... you know," she says. Regina lets her continue without interrupting; maybe she really is tired. "Should we make changes to your table? Like, maybe moving you to a different spot or...?"

 

The question hangs in the air for a while. Regina knows that she's asking if she still wants to sit next to Janis like they've planned. "No. I mean, yes. Move me somewhere else."

 

"Will do." A pause, and then Cady continues, "How was your first day as partner?"

 

"Can I call you tomorrow? I'm really just tired, I want to head to bed."

 

"Sure. Talk to you soon."

 

Regina doesn't go to bed for hours after the phone call, but she does put her cell on 'do not disturb', so people don't reach her. It's relaxing, somewhat.

 

\--

 

[ "Can I sit here?"

 

Regina, startled, looks up from her book and nods before she processes who's asking. Two seconds later, she shakes her head. "Janis?" It's not like she's changed much, but there's no harm in asking. "What are you doing here?"

 

Janis chuckles as she lays down her books and sits, looking at Regina. "I'm doing my master's thesis at Yale. I'd heard you were studying law here, but I didn't think I'd run into you. It's been a while."

 

Regina doesn't know how to respond other than a small laugh, a nod and then a hum of agreement. They're sitting across each other, and there's barely another soul in the library; it's not close to midterms, nor any other examination, and consequently it's Regina's favorite time to visit it.

 

"How have you been?" Janis asks, opening her books. She's looking down while Regina is still looking at her in a daze. ]

 

\--

 

[ If Regina could delete the first three years of high school, she would gladly do it. She can't. So she does her best to make amends where they can be made. She doesn't really expect the reality she gets.

 

No one is fine with what's been going on, but they're starting to make things change for the better. Their little group turns friends over the course of the first semester, and Regina feels accepted. Not admired, because she's learned that's not what friendship is about, but accepted.

 

That, too, is something she's learning she likes better than fear.

 

Janis and her are vary of each other, but the New Year rolls around and they spend the night at a low key party, during which everyone else somehow prefers to do things that neither Janis nor Regina want. So they end up next to each other most of the time, and converse throughout the evening.

 

The apologies have been long past, but the acceptance truly hasn't come yet. Regina gets it -- she's done what shouldn't be deserving of forgiving -- but somehow Janis doesn't seem mad about it.

 

"It's high school, you know," Janis interrupts her train of thought. "Like, I know what you did to me was shitty and I'll probably always remember it, but people change."

 

Regina has no idea where this is coming from; it's either the drink Janis is holding or she's been thinking about it, too. "They do," she says, because she doesn't know what else to say.

 

"And I don't think I'm fully over it, but I know I will be. So I don't think we should leave high school with bad blood between us."

 

Regina hadn't noticed that she was holding her breath until she releases a long sigh of relief. "Are you sure? What I did to you was awful, you don't have to forgive me."

 

"It was awful, but then I did awful things, too, and maybe you outing me was a bit worse, but you are trying. I know that. I see it. Well... I see the Regina that was once my friend, at least," Janis explains, looking away. They've been looking at each other for far too long, and Regina looks to her left instead.

 

"I am sorry. For that, and for not saying it sooner."

 

"For a while, I really just wanted to know why you would do it," Janis goes on, "And then I realized maybe not knowing is better. Because maybe the reason would make sense."

 

Regina exhales, shakes her head and doesn't dare look at Janis. "It doesn't, it never has," she says. "I was in love with you." She knows she's imagining it, but weight falls off her shoulders when she says it. Past tense, was.

 

"Okay." ]

 

\--

 

Regina wakes up to a text, and looks at the clock at her bedside table: it's ten minutes before her alarm would have gone off.

 

[from; Janis]: How about that coffee?

 

It's been a week, and Janis is reaching out. The curtains on Regina's windows are just see through enough for her to know that it's snowing and that she would rather not be going out in that weather, but she still answers:

 

[to; Janis]: Now?

 

It's not even six in the morning, and Regina doesn't have the judgement she normally would. The kind that would let her immediately respond with a firm 'no' instead of contemplating it.

 

[from; Janis]: Does that coffee place near your job still work?

[to; Janis]: Yes, it does.

[from; Janis]: Then yes, now.

 

Sighing, Regina pushes the covers off herself and sits on the edge of her bed. It's a terrible idea, to go see Janis again. One phone call to Gretchen or Karen would get her head straight. But that same head doesn't want to call them.

 

[to; Janis]: Okay. See you there.

 

\--

 

Regina's right on time, but Janis has beaten her there. She's already in line to order, so Regina joins her, because she's not going to wait longer than she absolutely has to. That, and she likes to get a handle on a situation instead of letting it be awkward later when Janis spots her at the back of the line.

 

"Morning," she says, and Janis turns to look at her, kind of startled at first.

 

She clears her throat and then greets back, "Hey."

 

It makes no sense for them to be here again, not six months after having broken up. It's their place, and yet now it feels foreign, because Regina hasn't been there for as long as they've been apart. It just didn't seem right.

 

It doesn't seem right.

 

They go speechless in the minutes it takes them to get their coffee orders and when they finally sit down, it's as uncomfortable as Regina has imagined it would be.

 

The first to break the silence is, naturally, her. "Why are you up so early?" She opts to ask instead of, "You look exhausted," that's on the tip of her tongue.

 

"I've been up all night doing research," Janis says like it's the most normal thing in the world to do as an adult. Regina wants to say that it's a good reason behind texting her so early in the morning, but sustains from it. Self-control can be a bitch when it comes to pettiness.

 

Instead, she says something potentially much worse: "I never understood why you liked researching during the night." And then it sinks in that it's a rabbit hole to a different life, a past one in which those kinds of remarks would have been normal. Now, it seems like a resentful thing to say.

 

"I work better during the night," Janis says, like she's said countless times before, and Regina immediately regrets bringing it up. It's been the source of many an argument. This one, she's afraid, wouldn't end as amicably as those previous ones have.

 

So she stops it before it starts. "Yes, I remember," she nods. "So, what have you been up to?"

 

It's a loaded question, but Janis explains that she's on her way to making a better position at the university, and that she's basically been focused on that for the past few months. "Honestly, winters are great for that, a lot of lecturers cancel their classes when it gets too snowy, and I get to show my dedication by doing mine."

 

It makes Regina laugh shortly, and shake her head. "The students must hate you for it."

 

"Probably, but I've learned long ago not to care about what people think." Every word seems to sting when it ever so slightly reminds her of the past.

 

\--

 

[ "It's the middle of the biggest snowstorm in the past four years and this jerk doesn't want to cancel a class," Janis complains as soon as she enters Regina's apartment after said class. Regina watches her take her boots and coat off from the kitchen, already making coffee for the two of them.

 

"You haven't even been here for four years," Regina replies, pouring coffee into their cups. It's the most pathetic thing they have: Hers and Hers mugs, courtesy of Karen. It was a gift, and they both laughed and accepted them without ever thinking they would use them. It started as a joke, and now they have a ritual of afternoon coffee together from them.

 

Janis scoffs as she hangs up her jacket, shaking her head. "The biggest snowstorm," she emphasizes. Regina laughs as she refuses to acknowledge any different; she's finished work before the snowfall started, so she can't speak to how the weather is like now. All she can do is look out the window, but that's always a much prettier sight than having to go outside and deal with it.

 

For a few minutes, Regina is left alone while Janis changes. She returns in sweatpants and a hoodie, even though the apartment is warm enough for something lighter, like Regina's combination of tights and a blouse. Once Janis sits down on the dining table next to Regina, she finally kisses her in lieu of hello, lingering there slightly. "Hey," she says, parting.

 

"Hi." It's soft, the way Regina says it, but enough for Janis to hear her. "I thought you'd have dropped the class by now," Regina admits.

 

"No way," Janis narrows her eyes, taking a sip of her coffee. "It's the last credit I need, and I'm not changing it for something easier, even if I barely pass it. The professor is just an asshole."

 

"And you like that," Regina adds, though she wasn't sure after the first few classes.

 

"Well, he does seem to like me, and he's the best at what he does. It's also something I'm interested in, so there's no way I would drop it."

 

"Other people have."

 

"I don't care what other people have or haven't done, they're dumbasses for dropping it. They'd learn more from this guy than any other professor at this college. I wouldn't be doing my PhD here if it weren't for him." ]

 

\--

 

"Senior associate, huh?" Janis asks. It's awkward to make small talk still, and it's everything Regina's expected it to be. To be fair, any broken up pair meeting up for a coffee would feel the same way.

 

"Yes, I'm climbing up the ranks," Regina replies. She's never had trouble talking about herself, and yet here she is, careful about every word. It's not that she doesn't want Janis to know everything; she just isn't supposed to. "I think I saw your name in the papers once."

 

Janis nods, drinking her coffee before replying. "One of my works was displayed in a gallery." It's much too humble for the feat, but Regina doesn't bother congratulating her, because she knows that Janis would just wave it away like it was nothing. "It's a big deal."

 

That one stumps Regina.

 

So much so that she changes the topic immediately. "Cool," she draws the word out. "Are you still at Damian's?" Regina asks it only because she's sure of the answer. The unfamiliarity is as nerve wracking as being at the coffee shop alone.

 

"Oh yeah, like I would change that when he's only a twenty minutes' walk away from college." Janis starts to laugh, but then thinks better of it. "Until he kicks me out, anyway. I only have so much time before he and Felix want their privacy back."

 

There's difference in the way Janis talks; it's subtle and probably not noteworthy, but Regina still sees through it. She can't quite put a finger on why Janis is quieter and more hesitant, but she imagines it's for a reason similar to her not crossing her legs - fear that this will blow up.

 

(They never did make a scene.)

 

"Have you been to Chicago lately?" Janis breaks the silence, and Regina shakes her head.

 

"My mother visited the city, and then Shane did," she explains, like it's enough. Janis lets her continue, but Regina doesn't really want to give up the reason behind not going. So she goes with: "I've just been so busy."

 

She does notice Janis raise her eyebrows at the mention of Shane, but she ignores it. Shane has been a great friend, better than she deserves him to be, truly.

 

"You used to always find time to go back home," Janis notes, just an off-hand comment that Regina remembers when they part on a weird handshake after more torturous conversation.

 

Maybe they don't know each other anymore. It's been a while, and everyone has been super careful about mentioning them to one another.

 

\--

 

[ It's colder in Chicago than New York City. There's a lot more snow and friends to visit. Some, she gets to come to her house; others insist on going out. A good time does follow, but getting there is tedious and hard enough for her to almost say no to a dozen suggestions. But they have two weeks off for Christmas and Janis insists on going home.

 

Regina follows.

 

On their plane ride home, the flight is delayed for two hours. The mood that puts Regina in is not something many people can deal with.

 

"We knew this would probably happen," Janis tries after a long silence between them. Everyone around them still seems to be in good spirits, and Regina is the only one with crossed arms and a scowl on her face.

 

"Did we also know I'd catch a cold and feel miserable while waiting?" It's too harsh, but sick Regina doesn't quite adjust her tone as well as she can on other occasions.

 

Janis rolls her eyes, placing an arm around Regina and pulling her closer. "You should've, since you decided a skirt and tights are a good option for late night clubbing."

 

Perhaps growth in Regina shows in the things she doesn't say. She doesn't reply with: "It would have been if it weren't so fucking cold in Chicago."

 

Instead, she just sighs and lays her head on Janis' shoulder. "I don't want to be sick for my first day at the firm," she reasons; they have two days until Monday, but she's still worried the cold won't pass.

 

"I know. That's why we're staying in bed the whole weekend and watching movies. We still have so many on our list."

 

Regina dozes off after that, and Janis doesn't wake her until they're calling for passengers to board. She knows that two weeks in Chicago aren't the worst, but she's also sure she wouldn't have caught a cold in New York. ]

 

\--

 

Junior associates don't make friends. Senior ones, however? It's a whole different atmosphere there. They are in the same workspace, but whereas juniors get cut down to only the best, the seniors know that there's only so much they can do to improve their position, and they can do it themselves.

 

So Regina starts this portion of her working life optimistic, and she isn't disappointed. She's not much of a 'make friends' sort of person, but she could use some more acquaintances. They form naturally, the groups that work well with each other, so she lets it happen.

 

Besides, now that it's not ideal to be around people her and Janis are both friends with, she could use some that share her interests.

 

The dating scene doesn't interest her, still. There's time for her yet, and whether she likes to admit it or not, she's not over Janis. How could she be?

 

Four years is an awfully long time to be with one person only, especially when it isn't her decision to end things.

 

So friends are all she looks for. Flirting happens -- really, would you expect anything else? -- and a few one-night-stands satisfy her needs, but no girl compares. It'll be different with time, people assure her, and Regina wants to believe them.

 

\--

 

[ "What's your favorite color?"

 

Regina suddenly looks at Janis, eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

 

"Favorite color," Janis repeats, but follows up with, "Someone asked me today and I realized we stopped asking that after we grew up and I don't know if yours has changed."

 

Rolling her eyes, Regina puts her pen down. She needed an excuse to pause studying, anyway. "Pink. It hasn't changed. Has yours?"

 

"Yellow," Janis nods. It's a lot different from the response Regina has got when they were eight and talking seriously about this. "Number?"

 

"Really?" It's a ridiculous thing to ask a person preparing for her bar exam, but Regina gets over it with a roll of her eyes. "Three's a good number."

 

Humming, Janis leans in. "Eighteen for me. Season? Never mind, I know that one. Maybe I wouldn't if you didn't complain every winter that you miss the summer."

 

"Heat is manageable, cold is preposterous weather!" Also manageable with the right clothing, but Regina doesn't mention that.  "Yours is fall, right?"

 

"Yup. Place?"

 

"Right here."

 

Her apartment, turned their apartment, turned somehow the meetup place for everyone. But most importantly, their place. ]

  


\- -

 

"I think it's good," Regina says firmly, nodding her head like she knows what she's doing. It's an act she's learned early on, and one she's not dropping any time soon.

 

Dylan, sitting across from her in his living room, looks utterly unimpressed. He's one of the people Regina's met in college, probably one of the few who knows her story with Janis completely. "Run this past me again," he says, clapping his hands together. "You're talking with your ex again."

 

"Yes. People talk with their exes all the time. I'm going to an ex's wedding in the spring. It's a normal thing," she says, as if presenting a logical argument in court. It would work, mostly.

 

"It's been, what, six months?" Dylan ignores her completely, moving at a pace he wants to move. "You've lived with her, loved her, broke up with her."

 

"Yes, yes, and yes," she nods. It's all true, although the latter might be deserving of an argument. Regina doesn't get into it. "Get to your point."

 

"I could probably get to it in a more argumentative way, but instead I'll just ask you," Dylan draws out, leaning in with his elbows now on his knees and chin on his hands. "Do you still love her?"

 

"No."

 

\- -

 

Neither of them calls Regina out on the lie, even though they both know it's so. Dylan nods in acceptance and Regina leans back as if she's more relaxed now that it's over with.

 

Late at night, she's lying on her back, looking at the ceiling of her room and wondering why she has the need to lie about it. Maybe if she accepts that she's over Janis, every text they exchange will have less meaning.

 

It's hard not to reply, though, even as her busy schedule might not allow it, even as she has a great excuse not to.

 

Even as Janis has the best excuse not to.

 

Instead, Regina keeps talking to Janis, texting her and going out for coffee in the early mornings, right before work. And she's not ashamed to admit it makes her days pass better, almost like they were before, when there was someone she went home to, to vent all about her internship at, to hug and kiss and hold and...

 

Maybe this whole new rapport she's gained with Janis is awkward and uncomfortable, but it's the only way Regina knows how to pretend everything's fine.

 

\- -

 

Spring rolls around and warmer weather finally comes. There's rain, but at least it's not snow. With each passing day, May comes closer, and so does Cady's wedding.

 

Cady and Aaron's. Whatever.

 

Regina enjoys bossing around, and as she's not in a position to do so at her work, she takes her duties as the maid of honor seriously. She has a couple of weeks before the wedding off, and she spends them in Chicago. She's staying with her mother (and Tom), but she's usually at Cady and Aaron's place, making sure every detail is right.

 

She doesn't like weddings; marriage, to be precise. For some reason, however, doing this for Cady turns out to be more for herself in the end. It's far less pressure than she's used to at work, and she gets to yell at people who aren't doing what they're supposed to.

 

One of those days, Janis calls, and Regina answers her phone with a harsh, "Yes?" without even looking at the caller ID beforehand.

 

"Is it a bad time?" When the realisation that it's Janis dawns on her, Regina sighs and puts down the pen that she's been holding. Stretching out, she stands up.

 

"No, it's not," she says, "It's just been a long day of making sure Cady's big day doesn't suck."

 

"Right, I guess you'd be doing that," Janis says. Regina can't read it fully, but what she knows is that the topic of marriage isn't the greatest for the two of them.

 

"You know that I wasn't the first choice." It's not a thing Regina lightly admits now, but it used to be better. Used to be fine, because she was still in the equation somehow. Now, when they're apart, her not being the first choice stings.

 

Janis sighs, clears her throat and then says, "Yeah, yeah, but you know you're better for it." And there's a silence that follows, kind of uncomfortable, but somehow familiar.

 

\- -

 

[ Janis breathes out a soft breath that Regina can feel on the back of her neck. They've been up for twenty minutes, spending all of them in silence, Janis' arm around Regina in bed.

 

"You okay?" Regina asks. It's about time to stop lazing around, anyway.

 

"Perfect," Janis' reply comes easy. It's sunny outside, there's birds chirping heard through the open window. Regina listens to that when Janis kisses her shoulder and then moves away. She hears shuffling around the drawer and before she can ask what Janis is doing, Janis speaks.

 

"Can you turn around for a minute?"

 

When Regina does, her world changes. She sees the drawer still open, Janis on her knees in bed, an open box in her hand. It doesn't quite shatter, her world, but she feels sick, like she's on the receiving end of aftershocks of an earthquake and it's just affecting her.

 

Once she finally comes to herself, Regina sits up and moves her gaze to Janis' instead of the ring. And then all she can say is:

 

"Please don't do this." ]

 

\- -

 

Regina steers the conversation in the right way again, finally gets to asking what Janis was calling about. "I just wanted to talk," she says, and Regina can imagine her nodding her head, or shrugging her shoulders. "Bad day at work."

 

Neither of them comments how they're not the people to talk about bad days anymore. They shouldn't be. But they're at the point when they can talk again, comfortably, and maybe it's a reflex that Janis is getting back which makes her call Regina again, or maybe it's just the fact that Damian isn't home.

 

Whatever the reason, Regina knows exactly what Janis likes when there's a bad day at work. She wants her attention elsewhere. "I called the flower arrangement company and they got the wrong number of centre pieces because apparently, _I_ told them the wrong number."

 

"You? They picked the wrong person to blame, huh?" Janis kind of chuckles. Regina does, too, despite her frustration with the company. Now that it's all been sorted out, it's easier to talk about it without yelling or getting mad. And anyway, Janis isn't the one Regina's mad at.

 

"They had no idea."

 

\- -

 

Aaron has had no influence on the wedding arrangements. It's not that he doesn't have style, but his is far too plain and Regina would have never have let that happen to Cady. She's not the wedding type -- that is, she hasn't been planning her since she was six years old.

 

She'd like one, and helping Cady has been great, but it's all been done in a matter of month, as far as decorations go, which is the most efficient way to do it. Once she and Cady are satisfied enough with the design, her only job is to organise the bachelorette party Cady insists she doesn't need.

 

( But Regina isn't stupid; every girl needs a night before the wedding. So it's a surprise. )

 

Calling some of Cady's new friends, Karen and Gretchen is easy. She leaves the hardest for last, which is, in hindsight, the worst choice she could have made. The things between Janis and her have been worse on their path to reconciliation from the last time they've talked, and Regina blames herself for it. She didn't have to bring up the wedding.

 

"Hey," she draws the greeting out when Janis picks up the phone. It's the first time they've talked since...

 

Well.

 

"Hi." It sounds like she used to when they were in the middle of a fight even though they're not right now. Timid, somewhat scared, too. "What's up?"

 

It's simple: Cady's party is on the Friday before the Sunday wedding, she'd love it if Janis came.

 

"There's a party." Or maybe it's more complicated than that.

 

"Yes, I know. Caddy's wedding."

 

"No, no, before-"

 

"Just a regular party?"

 

"No-"

 

"What party?"

 

"If you'd let me finish, you would know it's a bachelorette party for Cady. On Friday. Eight o'clock. Red Lotus restaurant," Regina finally spits out, almost angry.

 

"Cool, I'll be there," Janis says before, "I have to go, I'm busy at work."

 

\- -

 

[ The middle of spring, Janis says, is the worst time to be a TA. It's midterm time, students are constantly coming for extra credit because grades are an afterthought in classes for college students. She sympathizes, but still hates the way it is now that she has a new point of view. As a student, she was much better at regularly doing work than any of the people in the class are, now, which is pathetic.

 

Regina tries not to bring up the topic too much, because the last thing Janis needs is another place to think about how she has extra work because of someone else's inability to do things on time and the professor's lack of resistance when it comes to beginning students. Still, she knows when she comes to Janis buried in papers and typing away on her laptop, Regina has something to say.

 

She doesn't normally interrupt on days like these; now, she feels like she has to.

 

"Hey," she greets Janis, walking over to the dining table and pecking her on the cheek. "Busy night?"

 

"Yeah," Janis sighs, looking away from her workload finally. "But I can take a break now that you're home. Takeout should be here any minute."

 

"Great," Regina finally takes off her jacket and shoes, putting both in the hallway and returning back to the dining room. It's not her favorite place: the table needs changing and the chairs, though comfortable, are a decision Regina's learned to live with but not love. It's been hard not buy new ones every time she sees something pretty in a magazine.

 

That aside, though, Janis takes her hand and they're sitting next to each other, so it's not a big deal. They'll move to the couch eventually, later in the night, and Janis will forget all about her duties until the morning; but for now, they're there and it's calm for a couple of long moments. "I'm going to Georgia tomorrow," Regina announces, watches Janis furrow her eyebrows and lean back.

 

"What for?"

 

"There's a case there, a branch of a company we represent. We need to go get some information, and I got assigned to go with," Regina explains. It's hard to say what Janis is thinking, but with the smile she's giving Regina, it's nothing bad. Before speaking, Janis leans in to kiss Regina and nods afterwards.

 

"That's an amazing opportunity, babe."

 

It stays at that, because it _is_ an amazing opportunity, and Regina doesn't deny it. But it'll be a couple of days at least that they won't see each other, and time can be better spent. ]

 

\- -

 

Turns out, Cady is really happy about her party. Regina looks like it surprises her because it does, but everyone else is as content as ever to let her shock settle. She'd expected some resistance.

 

In retrospect, when she's settling the bill and her and Janis are the only ones left, Cady's always been down for most things. She should probably make sure she's fine tomorrow. Right now, she's focusing on walking out without tripping on the stairs on her way out.

 

When she inevitably does, Janis is there to catch her.

 

"Careful." The way it slips out of Janis' mouth reminds Regina of a tone she doesn't want to revisit, the gentleness of the moments shared solely by them. "Are you okay?"

 

"I'm fine," comes out more tersley than Regina intends it to, but she doesn't rectify it. "Do you need a ride?"

 

Regina's already started walking to her car without waiting for a response, so Janis', "Sure," catches her off-guard, but she has her back turned and it only shows in the way her shoulders tense up. Any other night, she'd be sure Janis would notice it, but tonight she decides to give that a dash of doubt.

 

They're in her car, and the radio turns out when regina starts the engine, playing a slow song from a playlist that Regina's been keen on listening to. She doesn't change it, it's just quiet that it doesn't distract them.

 

And perhaps that's what Regina does wrong, she lets conversation flow freely.

 

"We broke up too soon," Janis blurts out, half-drunk and half-serious. Regina huffs, shakes her head and stops at a red light. "I'm serious, it was a rushed decision and we didn't even think about it." She seems to reconsider, and adds, "I didn't even think about it."

 

\- -

 

[ Regina helps her father pack when she's fifteen, and he's on his way to his new apartment. The house is theirs, he says, because it doesn't make sense to move Regina out of the only home she's known. He reminds her he loves her, but sometimes marriages just don't work out.

 

She's not impressed with this whole divorce thing, but she's sure she can make the most out of it. If anything, her dad out of the house will probably mean she'll be alone a lot more if her mom decides to go somewhere. Which is not an inherently good thing, but it's not bad, either. Being in high school has a lot more perks when you have an empty house.

 

It doesn't impact her as much as she thinks it will, the divorce. She kind of brushes it off and stays in a good relationship with both her father and her mother. As good as a teenager can, anyway. ]

 

\- -

 

[ Engagement rings are beautiful. Expensive, but beautiful. Regina's jewellery collection is missing one, but at twenty-one, she's not sure she's mature enough to get married. Sometimes, when she enters a jewellery store, she spares only a glance at that section and moves away from it.

 

She's not _scared_ , per se, but she doesn't want any expectations to be set when she's actually proposed to. She might be a lesbian, but she's not planning on getting down on one knee. So when she's proposed to, she wants something fresh to see, that's the reason behind her skirting around rings. ]

 

\- -

 

[ Her therapist hints at a fear of marriage, to which Regina scoffs and shakes her head. "There is no way," she convinces herself more than the woman opposite her. The conversation swerves from there because Regina guides it. It's not the most productive session, but she always feels better after any.

 

Janis asks how it was and Regina relays that, "she was insistent that I don't like marriage, I have no idea why," and rolls her eyes. She laughs it off, but the thought stays inside her mind for a while that night. She can't sleep, and Janis is lightly snoring beside her. She wonders if there's any truth to it, and decides that no, there isn't. She'd marry Janis in a heartbeat. ]

 

\- -

 

[ When Regina sees the ring, she panics. She feels like she might throw up and that her whole world is turning upside down at the sole sight of it. She blinks a few times, and then the words of her therapist get back at her like a boomerang, the ones she's never discussed. "Do you feel like you might have a fear of getting married?"

 

She's faced with a beautiful ring in an elegant box and the girl of her dreams holding it, and still, she's afraid that it'll ruin everything. Regina's afraid; really, that should be the end of it. ]

 

\- -

 

They're in their bed a week later --

 

They're in _Regina_ 's bed a week later, tired and catching their breaths. They broke up too soon, Janis says, she didn't think about it. Maybe she just needed some time and space, and maybe this is where they're supposed to be.

Reminded of how good it feels to be together, to be the ones to talk daily and see each other when they're home from work. It's doesn't take long to get adjusted to it again, their bodies touching, hands holding and eyes locked like there's no world around them. Moments like these make them question everything about their relationship's untimely end.

 

Regina goes to work smiling, and spring changes into summer without either of them noticing how they're back to a routine they'd established long ago. Everything that had been familiar has returned with their reunion, as she supposes is normal. There's no question in her mind about whether this is supposed to be happening.

 

It is.

 

\- -

 

The fact that they work near one another works in their favor; they have lunch together, and, more often than not, that ends with ice cream when Janis walks her to her building. She has a longer break than Regina, and it's on her way. In late August, they're together at some new place that Regina has already forgotten the name of, and Janis is animatedly talking about how she's really starting to like the students in her new class.

 

"There's so much energy in there, you wouldn't believe it," she explains when Regina's toying with the food in her plate that she's done with. "It's a total one-eighty from last year's class. Unless they lose their enthusiasm after the first few lectures, this is gonna be a great year."

 

"If you ever need a nude model," Regina lets the sentence hang after that, winks at Janis and smirks. She wouldn't do it in her craziest dreams (reputation is everything when you want to be a lawyer in New York City), but it gets a laugh out of Janis.

 

"Maybe at home."

 

Home feels cozy off of Janis' lips, a word Regina's not heard in months. It almost makes her ask Janis to move in again, go back to the place they left off, but she thinks better of it. The place they left off isn't a wonderland.

 

\- -

 

[ "Don't do... this?" Janis asks, shocked at the request, rightfully so. Regina's mind is reeling, searching for a good thing to say, but all she can see is the ring in front of her and she can't stop her head from shaking. "This is not a good time for jokes, Regina."

 

Regina feels every word cut through her. She's felt heartbreak before; romantically, perhaps not, but other kinds of heartbreak have happened to her. She's no stranger to it, as much as she likes to pretend so. And she wants to go and spite herself, say sorry, it really is a bad time to be cracking jokes, yes I will marry you; she doesn't.

 

Inside her, she feels her chest swell up with air filling her lungs and she's barely letting it out, just enough not to start choking. Her eyes well up with tears, but she doesn't let them fall. Instead, she looks up at Janis and sighs. "I'm so sorry," she says.

 

It makes Janis get up, close the box (it's the loudest crack echoing inside Regina's eardrums), and move to get some proper clothes on. "Janis, please," Regina stands up, but her legs are shaky, she doesn't get far on them, so she stops. "Let me explain."

 

When Janis lets her -- she turns towards her, a questioning gaze and nothing to say, Regina's speechless. She opens her mouth, but no sound comes out, and Janis lets it go on for fifteen seconds before going back to clothing herself.

 

When she leaves, Regina hears the front door slam shut and sits back down onto the bed; falls, more precisely, onto it and stays there that morning. ]

 

\- -

 

Summer's a haze of dates, getting reacquainted and trying to have more self-control than they've ever had. Things are slow, but they work somehow. Their jobs are hectic enough to find the balance calming.

 

Regina, however, grows to dislike it by the time September comes. Near the end of summer, she gets a crazy idea.

 

"Let's go to Mexico," she says one night over dinner. It's an utterly insane thing to say when they're treading careful waters, but Regina's always liked to shake things up.

 

Janis places her fork down, shaking her head. "You're actually serious." She says it in a bemused voice, a small chuckle soon following. "We have jobs, you know."

 

"And we can take a vacation. You can," Regina says, although adding the last part with a bit of a pause. "The firm's taking a collective break, so I have some free time."

 

Janis makes a gesture that Regina knows all too well. Of course, it speaks; it's far from surprising that she's already thought through this plan thoroughly. So when Janis replies, "Sure, let's go," she fully expects them to follow through.

 

\- -

 

Acapulco is still beautiful in the middle of fall; the weather isn't the greatest all days, but their hotel has an indoor pool that only Regina and Janis seem to be taking advantage of. It's pretty much the ideal for the two of them.

 

Much to Regina's joy, they escape the first snow of the new season back in New York City. She reads the news of it with a smile on her face.

 

\- -

 

When they arrive, the weather is perfect for it being nighttime. They come to an agreement that they'll go out for a walk after having checked into the hotel, see what the city has to offer or take a stroll down the beach that would inevitably end up with skinny dipping if people weren't around.

 

Janis takes a shower while Regina unpacks, and then they switch, so that an hour later, they're very much ready to leave the hotel room. As Janis gazes out their ocean-view window (they spared no expenses), she lets out a sigh that gets Regina's attention. Carefully, she walks over to Janis, barefoot steps just audible enough for Janis not to be startled when there's a hand on her lower back.

 

"You look beautiful," Regina says, and Janis doesn't give her the usual reply of _Look who's talking_ and instead turns around, places her hands on Regina's hips and suddenly they're facing each other with little personal space between them.

  
They end up not stepping foot out of their hotel room, and finish the night with Janis on her back on the bed and Regina on her side; a hand over Janis' heart, a leg bent over Janis', and head safely buried in the crook of her neck.

 

"I love you," Janis is first to say, despite everything inside her screaming not to. She wants to take it back, but it's both too late and too untruthful to do it now.

 

Regina doesn't hesitate to say, "I love you," back. Janis notes how there's no regret in her voice that she can hear, and lets out a breath of relief. Maybe it's not a bad step, then, getting back to what they had for years.

 

\- -

 

It ends like all good things do: with a small fight near the end of their trip, one that follows them to the restaurant they had reserved tables at for dinner. They go with a small distance between them, sit across from each other like they normally don't. When the waiter brings their meal, only other people's chatter and the clinking against their plate is heard.

 

\- -

 

Regina has enough of it when they get to dessert. "What's wrong with you?" Admittedly, it's not the best thing to ask when there's a tension between the two of you, but tact is out the window the moment she decides to talk about it.

 

"We broke up for a good reason, no matter how good it feels to be back together. We don't have the same future in plans, and we're reminiscing how it used to be until we hit that stop sign again," Janis says, like she's been thinking about the speech for a while now. She probably has, Regina thinks, and curses herself for not preparing better. "Nothing is different now than it used to be, is it?"

 

Regina doesn't speak, can't say anything for a while. Janis asks for a check in silence, Regina doesn't let her pay even though it angers her. They get ready to go completely in sync with each other, and Janis holds the door open for a few seconds that it takes Regina to catch up with her.

 

The rain doesn't bother them enough to immediately get a taxi, because sitting in the back seat together doesn't seem like a good deal to either of them.

 

\- -

 

[ Janis loses herself in work. It's not the most productive working, but it's better than doing nothing but wallowing at home and taking time off. She hears a lot of "It's unhealthy"s from various friends, and of course, "You need to take time to think about it"s.

 

She knows what she's doing, though. She's thinking about it _every_ single moment. She's deep into the history of art and still, somehow, she comes across a picture that reminds her of what they once had or a piece of text that is reminiscent of something Regina had once said to her. It's desperate, clutching for each of these signs but never letting herself cry.

 

It's not worth it. Even if she spends half the nights wide eyed, staring at the ceiling and not really seeing anything in the dark.

  
When tears come, no weight is lifted off her chest like she's been told it would. The only thing that happens is that tears dry out and she can feel the reminders of them on her cheeks, her chin, her neck.

 

And it happens multiple times, never expected, foolishly. But after a few months, she sees something Regina's given her and she doesn't stop to take a breath, nor does she sit down to take a moment for herself. She just moves on to whatever she's doing at the moment and pretends it doesn't hurt still.

 

Pretending is halfway to healing, probably. ]

 

\- -

 

[ In the days after the unofficial break-up, Regina's routine becomes less filled and she starts going to the gym with a miserable playlist playing on her phone. She thinks for a thousandth time while on the treadmill that she should call Janis and say that she was wrong, she _does_ want to marry her.

 

But the state that she's in doesn't let her. She sees her therapist more than usual, to discuss what's happened as well as deal with some problems from the past, but recovery doesn't come easy. She hadn't believed she was afraid of marriage until she saw a ring in front of her and her world collapsed

 

Now that she knows, her therapist says, it's easier to get through it.

 

Do you love her, the woman asks, and Regina doesn't think before she says, yes, more than I love myself.

 

It's not healthy how much I love her, she adds knowingly, why couldn't I just have said yes, it's a stupid fear.

 

They stay silent for a while, because Regina doesn't speak, and her therapist lets her because it's the tempo she's comfortable with. When she looks at the clock, the therapist asks just one more question.

 

Do you fear she would leave you?

 

And Regina says no, like it's something she's known all along and a truth deeper than any fear she might have.

 

Still, they stay. ]

 

\- -

 

"You said you wouldn't marry me," Janis spits out. It's the last thing she's ever expected she'd say, the last thing she wanted to.

 

They sit at a squalid bus stop bench, and there's no room to breathe. The storm is raging and the rain is everywhere, but at least some cover can be kept underneath the awning.

 

There's no room to escape, either. Regina isn't walking through hell in Louboutins just to get away. She likes to see herself as the higher person in this situation, doesn't realize that Janis knows her expressions all too well for her to get away with it. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Regina knows that.

 

Rain always does elongate the moments, makes them seem like a lifetime when it's only a couple of seconds before Regina answers her. "We were too young," she says. Claims, justifies, fears; Janis's not so sure right now.

 

Janis' gut reaction is a snort, a shake of her head. She doesn't reply.

 

"Twenty-five is just immature enough to think a marriage can last at that age, but it didn't have to end," Regina adds when enough silence has been painful. "Say something."

 

"Why couldn't you just leave well enough be, huh?" It hurts, a knife hurled at Regina; one that actually makes her straighten up, physically moving away from Janis. All the familiarity between them gone in an instant. "We were fine without each other, you didn't have to come into my life again."

 

"We were," Regina starts, pauses and shakes her head. She can't speak for Janis. " _I_ was never fine. I was scared."

 

"Of me?"

 

"Of you leaving me," she replies, and the words are much harder to speak than she thinks they will be. They come out quiet and broken.

 

"God," Janis sighs. "I knew you were selfish, but I never believed you'd hurt yourself because you were afraid of the future." That's the last straw, and suddenly Regina's following Janis in the pouring rain because she's decided the cover isn't a good enough reason to just sit there and listen to Regina's excuses.

 

When Regina finally catches up, she takes Janis by her forearm and turns her around. "I'm not scared anymore," she says, "I'm not."

 

There's tears streaming down her cheeks, but they're covered up by the rain. And at this moment, she's not convincing herself anymore, she's talking to Janis, telling her the truth. She can imagine a future with the two of them, maybe a cat or two in an apartment that has a spare room they use for their office until they're ready to have a kid when Regina turns it into a nursery and Janis paints the walls.

 

She can imagine them taking another trip to Acapulco in the middle of the summer, when they're both there to just relax without the burden of reestablishing a relationship on their shoulders.

 

"And I should believe that?" Janis asks, with spite in her voice that's been there the whole conversation. "After everything, I should believe that you wouldn't throw away our relationship because you're suddenly good? Suddenly, it's all fine?"

 

Regina has no answer. Well, what she does in lieu of one can be considered it, but she has no _words_ to give to Janis. Instead, all she can do is pull her in closer and kiss her. It's liberating, somehow, to feel Janis give in, kiss her back. To feel her hands on Regina's hips and to close her eyes.

 

They're wet from the rain, soaked through the clothes completely, kissing despite the weather. It's not the type of kiss to turn the world on its head and make any sense, but it's deeper than any have been since their reconciliation.

 

Janis feels it, eyes closed as she fights to get closer without any space between them. Regina feels it, fingers running through Janis' wet hair.

 

It's not easy, nor a complete conviction, but it's a start. It's what they used to know, back in their hearts again, putting bandaids over the parts that were once broken beyond repair and saying _it's all going to be okay now_.

 

\- -

 

There's not a lot of things that start in the winter, but their marriage does. It's a small thing, the two of them, Damian and Cady, at a courthouse. It's a commitment show instead of a show for their families and friends, although that is sure to come when spring arrives.

 

They sign the papers, go out for lunch all together and celebrate in a quiet fashion. The vows they have written, they read before their food comes, and they share a kiss when Cady and Damian clap, both overwhelmed with what might be the smallest wedding celebration.

 

\- -

 

So yeah, flowers die when snow covers the grounds, when New York is under constant watch for blizzards and Regina hates going out, but their relationship takes another step forward; both of them finally ready to embrace the future instead of pull the brakes on it.

 

\- -

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! any comments are very much appreciated.


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